[Two Pronged] Is it naive to want emotional connection with a hooker?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My friend found a hooker for me and we did the deed.

I couldn’t perform well because I felt this hooker would tell my friend how I performed if he asked her. I also felt ashamed I got laid first before making small talk and establishing some kind of working rapport or any emotional connection. I didn’t even build up minutely enough connection to the girl I fucked.

The connection/small talk with this hooker happened after sex. I managed to chat with this hooker anyway. My consolation here is I could be friendly with this girl. She’s not really full time in this line of work. 

She’s 23. Working as a social media manager at a company in BGC as her main job. She’s only doing this part time and is only a few months in. It’s just to help earn more funds for the  condo unit she’s paying off in Pasay.

After I paid her fee, we parted ways. I have no intentions of seeing her again.

When I told my friends about how bad I felt about not talking to the girl before I did the deed, they laughed at me, wondering who does this anymore.

They reminded me that what happened was purely transactional, that it did not need friendship or even a promise to see each other again. All it needed was for me to pay for the services the woman provided. End of story.

They made fun of me, saying I was like a 14-year-old boy taken by his father to a “casa” for his first time. What do you think, Two Pronged? Was I too innocent thinking she needed me to have a relationship with her before doing the deed?

I am now curious if I had been wasting my time. 

Martin

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Dear Martin,

Just as some men are perfectly happy with purely transactional sex (nothing but the ‘deed’ itself), so others are more comfortable with at least the semblance of a relationship, whether that be small talk or more.

Some are content with minimal connection, others prefer the illusion of a real relationship (and occasionally there might even be a real relationship, though this is obviously at odds with the very notion of transactional sex).

As for the service provider, the hooker, it is in her interest to present herself in the most attractive light to her client. If she judges he wants just sex, that’s what she gives him. To the extent he wants some sort of relationship and the price is right, that’s simply the cost of business, particularly if repeat business is on offer and most of all if that business is also lucrative.

My reading of your encounter therefore is as follows. She met you for sex and that’s what she delivered. She then realized that you also wanted to chat, so she chatted with you. Finally she realized that you wanted some further reassurance so she told you she was new to the business, had a ‘proper’ job and implied that once she’d earned enough for her condo, she would stop being a hooker. How much of her story was actually true is unknown.

Now to your question: “Was I too innocent thinking she needed me to have a relationship with her before doing the deed?” The answer must be yes if you were looking for just transactional sex, since by definition, this doesn’t include a relationship.

You chose to go with a hooker and hookers are in the business of providing sex and, if they are so minded and duly remunerated, whatever extra illusion the client wants. The transaction is driven more by the client’s preference than the hooker’s. So your friends were right in their analysis.

However, perhaps now is the time to reflect on what you expect from these encounters.

You clearly want more than just sex but do not want a full relationship, at least not with this type of partner. Maybe it is time to be more honest with yourself and your needs and recognize where reality ends and your fantasies begin. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Martin:

Thank you very much for your letter. My answer to your questions will differ from your friends’ and from Mr. Baer’s but that is ok. I think that often, this is what writing to Two Pronged is about: getting different perspectives, which may be widely divergent but, I hope, similar in being logical but also evidence-based and kind, if both are possible.

I firmly adhere to the belief (though I admit I haven’t heard it lately) that in this society of ours, it is not that we have so many prostitutes, but more that we have so many “prostituted women.”

This perspective underscores how inhumane a society like ours is: a society that makes it difficult — aye, almost impossible — for people who do not have the right education, training and/or connections to find better work. 

True, there are also those who choose to do this kind of work despite having other options, but in a third world country like ours, research shows that poverty and ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) are the biggest driving factors. 

In other words, most sex workers would prefer to do something else if they could. However, they can’t so given a choice of no work or sex work, they choose the latter.

From the general situation of our unfair society governed by grasping politicians exacerbating the cruel conditions many of us have to live under, let us go to your personal situation.

“Transactional, schmantactional,” I say. A relationship may be “transactional” but it is still a relationship. When people meet up — whether to “make tsismis” (gossip) or exchange body fluids — a relationship is formed.

As such, behaving politely — no harsh words, no shouting, no pushing — is the minimum one does so that the encounter runs smoothly. This includes avoiding anything that might make the other person feel even more uncomfortable than they already do. 

In addition to being polite, you were also interested enough to ask her about herself the way you would appreciate someone being interested in you as a person. Frankly, I see nothing wrong about that. On the contrary, I think it is terrific! I also hope she, too, thought it was terrific because she felt truly seen by you as a person, not just an orifice.  

This was a moment of grace for both you and her. At least, this is the way I see it. To me, this ability to give and receive such moments of grace is a gift.  A gift that allows curiosity about, and kindness towards, another supersede time and financial obligations. 

This does not make you naïve, as your friends say, but more caring than most people are. And bully for you!  In the end, isn’t it far better to always do what you think is right no matter what your friends say? After all, it is you, not they, who will live with the consequences.

All the very best and mabuhay ka,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com