[Two Pronged] Fiancé’s ex-girlfriend won’t stop contacting him

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I am a senior citizen, 53 years old, and engaged to another senior citizen. This will be a second marriage for us both.

My first marriage ended because my husband was unfaithful. After over 20 years, I finally got my annulment. His first marriage lasting 33 years ended amicably, via divorce. They outgrew each other, but they are still friends.

My problem is this. Before our engagement my fiancé “John” had a girlfriend “Melanie” (4 years together). Before that, even before he had his girlfriend Melanie, John and I were together until I realized he could not commit himself to me exclusively.

Only after we broke up he got himself this girlfriend.

They broke up, he courted me again, promising this time it would be different. He has kept his promise. We are scheduled to be married this April.

My problem is that Melanie won’t leave him alone. She always finds an excuse to connect with him, even after their breakup. First, because she was “so hurt” she made him promise he could not contact me for a month. 

He obeyed her, despite him already courting me. I was so worried when I did not hear from him, but still he did that because he wanted to keep his word to Melanie. They had already broken up by then, but still, he obeyed her.

Second, he invited me to go to South Africa with him. We went and both loved it. I only found out after that they too had plans to go there before they broke up.

When she found out he was taking me, she called him and asked him to postpone his trip with me for a year so it would not hurt her too much. 

Finally, Melanie also ordered some special delicacies John’s family is known for. She wants it for April 19, because she will be in the Philippines that day. She told his family this, they told John, and John eventually told me.

April 22 is when we are scheduled to be married. We have already booked the church and the venue.

I cannot stop thinking about Melanie’s plans to be in the Philippines three days before our wedding. I do not want to have to fight for him 3 days before we get married. I am not as sophisticated as Melanie. I do not have the skills to fight this without breaking down and crying. Please help me.

– Lenny

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Dear Lenny,

As you yourself admit, John has a less than stellar reputation. First time round, you broke up because he couldn’t offer you an exclusive relationship. Second time round, despite promises that things would be different, all the signs are that he is clinging on to his relationship with his ex, Melanie, who herself is showing no signs of giving him up.

It may be true that he is not technically cheating on you — not contacting you, delaying trips and ordering delicacies are not the equivalent of sexual infidelity — but they do not suggest an exclusive relationship with you either. Instead, he seems anxious to keep in touch with Melanie and cater unquestioningly to her whims.

These are not the actions of a man readying himself to pronounce his marriage vow to “love, honor and cherish you, forsaking all others.” 

The months before a wedding are usually the time when the bridegroom to be is on his best behavior, trying to persuade you that your choice of spouse is fully justified. Instead, he is dancing to the tune of a previous girlfriend.

It is time to call him out, before the wedding, before it’s too late. Either he cuts all ties with Melanie and demonstrates his love, devotion, respect and attention to you exclusively or you should seriously reconsider his suitability as a future husband. A fiancé who puts you first, keeps his promises, and consigns his ex to history is the very least you should expect.

All the best,

– JAF Baer

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Dear Lenny,

Thank you very much for your letter.  I must admit I did not expect Mr. Baer to adopt such a strong, take-no-prisoners stand. Mr. Baer has already decided that John is a doormat, still doing what his ex Melanie asks him to do.

I disagree. Yes, he did the almost inexcusable: not calling you for a month when you would understandably be more nervous than usual because this would be the first time John and his ex would meet again. Yes, he should have known better.

Admittedly, I  have never met John, but I feel the reason for his one-month silence was NOT because he chose Melanie over you, but because he didn’t want to hurt her. 

Take note: because she was ‘so hurt” she felt her “no-contact-for-a-month” request would not be a problem. After 4 years, she knows John and what works with him.

This hypothesis is borne out because she again used the “so hurt” excuse when she called and told him she would again be hurt if he did not postpone his South Africa trip for a year.

Melanie knows him enough to know this would ordinarily work. What she didn’t factor in was that John, after acquiescing to her first request and, I imagine, after you then told him how you felt about his silence, was a bit more discerning about her machinations.  

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. He did go to South Africa with you in less than a year, despite her being “hurt.” If you are the type to count wins and losses (as, alas, often I am) this time you “won.” Best of all, you won without having to fight for it, without even knowing Melanie asked this of him. 

I daresay he is starting to discern the difference between an ex girlfriend and his fiancé. Good for him, good for you both, Win 2 for you!

Regrading her final attempt planned for April 19 — this time you can tell him how you feel. I agree with Jeremy’s advice to cut and cut cleanly in case he doesn’t immediately agree with you. 

The first time he acquiesced, I feel, can be forgiven because he didn’t want to hurt her. Whether with basis or not, he probably felt breaking up with her was not gentlemanly so the least he could do is make it hurt less. (P.S. if the marriage pulls through in April, I think I should be Ninang, don’t you? 😊) 

This third attempt should be a clear message to Melanie that it’s over between them. Not only is he in love with you, but he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 

If you are not 100% sure of this by now, then I agree entirely with Mr. Baer: “A fiancé who puts you first, keeps his promises, and consigns his ex to history is the very least you should expect.”

All the best,

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com