[Two Pronged] My parents want me to be more like my brothers. Is looksmaxxing the way forward?

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Tita Margie Holmes and Tito Jeremy Baer,

I am 17 years old, the youngest boy following three older brothers. I follow this column in Rappler and used to follow Sex Talks with Dr Holmes. My brothers only followed your show in HOOQ. I think they found your columns too long.

My kuyas are all handsome, popular, and confident. I am the opposite. My parents always ask why I cannot be more like my brothers.

Have you heard of looksmaxxing? Is it dangerous? I am thinking of trying it. What do you think?

– Raffy

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Dear Raffy,

Appearance has been an issue since time immemorial and an entire “beauty” industry has been created just to cater to this very human preoccupation. While creams, potions, pills etc. have been to hand for centuries, it is only relatively recently that plastic surgery and other invasive treatments have become ubiquitous.

Looksmaxxing, the practice of maximizing one’s physical attractiveness, is one of the latest iterations of this trend. It seems to come in two main forms: softmaxxing and hardmaxxing.

Softmaxxing refers to non-invasive, reversible methods of improvement. Typical areas addressed include body shape (fat loss and muscle building), skincare, grooming, hair, style, supplements, lifestyle optimization etc.

Hardmaxxing encompasses more permanent changes through medical and other invasive procedures. These include: operations such as nose reshaping, chin surgery, jaw implants; injectables such as Botox; skin and dental treatments; body procedures such as liposuction, implants and height surgery. A more extreme subset of hardmaxxing includes unregulated self-medication and bone smashing (fortunately a very rare occurrence).

For further information, the internet abounds with entries such as this study and this article by Psychology Today.

Turning to your specific issue, you say that your parents want you to be more like your brothers. This seems a pointless exercise since you are clearly very different from them. An alternative would be to optimize the person you already are rather than try to be someone else entirely and looksmaxxing could be an element of this. However, you need to guard against the danger that embracing looksmaxxing becomes an obsession. Specific problems arising include body dysmorphia, eating disorders, self harm and a toxic online culture.

Basic self-care seems to be an obvious choice. Skin care, grooming, fashion, fitness are all well-established options that are safe when not taken to extremes. However, looks are only part of the equation where relationships are concerned. Even a casual glance around will show that there are plenty of successful relationships where one or both parties do not conform to a high standard of conventional attractiveness. Character, communication, shared values, intimacy all make a contribution as well.

So Raffy, don’t fixate on looks alone but instead try to develop your all-round persona. Try to be the best version of yourself rather than competing with your brothers.

All the best

– JAFBaer

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Dear Raffy,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am thrilled Mr Baer told you the basics about looksmaxxing — the very minimum you need before you explore this phenomenon more. Should you want to know more, not just information on which the internet can readily provide, but more importantly, the philosophy behind and the cultural and social factors that have contributed to teens and tweens — males especially —becoming seduced by this phenomenon, we would be very happy to explore this further with you.

However, what I wish to focus on today is not really on looksmaxxing at all. It is on how your parents have dropped the ball on doing their most important job: raising a kind, confident human being, eager to help his fellow kababayans (country men/women) -especially during these blighted times when most of our senators, etc, have shown their inability to resist temptation.

But I digress. SO…let me leave “politics” and go back to parenting and raising children “properly.” I have put the word properly in quotations because I hate the possible implication that this centers merely on superficialities like good manners and proper conduct.

I am also sorry if I sound unduly harsh in judging — alas, true, that — judging as opposed to merely observing or tentatively suggesting your parents improve their parenting.

That is because even if your letter had only 94 words in it, it raised so many red flags that telegraphed a situation any parent would be appalled they didn’t notice earlier.

EXAMPLES:

• You are different from your three older brothers, considered highly successful simply because of superficial qualities like looks and popularity. As a result…
• You feel inferior. You have a diminished self concept which could have been avoided had your parents celebrated your strengths rather than merely wishing you were more like your brothers.
• Your clueless or as self absorbed parents could damage you even more UNLESS you find other people who can guide and listen to you more.
• You need wiser guardians who can see that yes, you may be quieter than your siblings, but you also have a brain that enjoys reading and figuring things out. This ability is a gift many have lost, because reading requires more focus and discipline than merely watching TV,etc.
• Your teen years can be particularly fragile, because it is during these years that your peers usually start having a stronger influence on you than your parents.

Admittedly, I do not think your peers’ influence is necessarily a bad thing where you are concerned. Your parents, by not celebrating (perhaps not even recognizing) your special strengths may have battered your self esteem to the point that you have seriously considered looksmaxxing!

Please forgive me, dearest Raffy, if I have come across as hating your parents. I do not. I am just so frustrated about how blind they can be…and they do not seem to even realize they are blind!

Ok, ok. Enough grousing already… UNLESS this grousing helps you realize na hindi ka nagiisa. You are not alone, dearest Raffy. In your school, in. other communities, are many other teens like you — trying to understand all these new-fangled notions that can affect your lives irretrievably.

It is natural to feel frightened and insecure, but you need not be overwhelmed. Hone your talent in reading, thinking for yourself, finding mentors who respect you and listen to you.

I hope you feel comfortable enough to write us again, because believe me, nothing would be more of an honor for us than that you consider Mr Baer and me possible mentors.

Be well,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com